March 5, 2008 12:00 AM

My Shadow

a nightmare

I dreamt that I lived with the Cordes family again (or still?). Late one night I took the bus home. It drove us straight to the house, even the Red Light neighborhood wasn’t on the normal route. We turned right at a tower of glowing red lights and I got off right near the house.

On the way home I saw the filipino function I had missed because my previous commitment had taken too long. It was OK that I had missed it because I didn’t think the performance was going to be any good anyways. It was a play or musical by Tim C. and he was always complaining that no one liked or understood his art. I was supposed to give a young man a photo CD with images from the previous performance.

At home Johnny and Elizabeth wanted to talk, especially Herr Cordes. He annnounced that we wouldn’t go fishing first thing in the morning the next day. I went to my room and Catrin was there with and asian girl carrying a book of photographs from filipino performances. I noticed that on the cover was printed, “By …, photos by Irene HK.” Then I knew who the asian girl was; it was Irene. I was upset and jealous that she had gotten to be the photographer for something that I thought I had more claim on (I’m filipino, she’s not). I tried to explain to Catrin, without Irene noticing, that I already knew this girl and didn’t like her. Catrin didn’t get the hint and was saying that she had invited Irene to spend the night. I was upset but there was nothing I could do about the situation.

Irene started talking about the last time she saw me, I had been sick. I explained that I was much stronger now that I had figured out how to eat so that I wouldn’t be malnourished. There was a whole cooked salmon from the potlatch/filipino event. The flesh came off in rings when pulled. Irene told me that she lived in Bellevue and that she knew of Yunie’s whereabouts since they lived in the same city. She said that Yunie and her husband knew each other because they were both atheists.

A small animal entered the room and we chased it and offered it food to get it to go back outside. Catrin was making a bed for Irene because she was going to spend the night.

I spoke with Dr. W about this dream. He said that it sounded very claustrophobic and I agreed. We talked about concepts from Jungian analysis and alchemy - shadow, animus, dark matter. I am still trying to sort everything out. I am paying more attention to my shadow aspects and being more gentle and accepting of them. In doing that I hope to find out what the good qualities of my ‘bad side’ are so that I can integrate both.

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