February 22, 2007 09:31 PM

Squirming

Today is the 2nd day of Lent. As my sacrifice (my fasting) I have decided to write every day. This is not something I normally do, but since I have reached a point of recognizing my unhappiness with my life, I thought it would be a good way to keep track of my thoughts in this process. A large part of my discontent seems to stem from my everlasting busy-ness. Since the New Year (Gregorian calendar) I have been (mostly) sticking to a policy of 2 nights out of the house per weekday. This means less dance class, but the contemplative space that it gives makes me less anxious. I get to cook and clean and take care of myself and my home more and this makes me happy.

I went to see Dr. W today. It was my third therapy session and I pretty much made it through without actually crying. He recommended that I try to stop squirming and see how it makes me feel.

I have never stopped to consider that my body was a reflection of my soul. I always just took for granted that they were part and parcel of the same thing (me=body=soul=body=soul). I squirm. I crack. I am hyper-flexible. In my body I know that I need specific exercises to keep me strong and injury-free. I am beginning to realize that my mind needs the same kind of discipline so I have taken up a daily practice of sitting (sitting = meditating + praying). Although I hate waking up early, the sitting is helping me put space between my thoughts and my self.

So far therapy with Dr. W has helped in several ways. He reminded me (gently and not so gently) that I am not in charge. In my hetz I somehow forgot that my destiny is not in my hands. I can only be ready for whatever life brings my way. I have been able to catch myself talking mean to myself. That probably sounds silly, but sometimes when I am fretting about this and that or what so-and-so might think I can actually hear myself really thinking these things about myself; it has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. How simple. How disturbing. I didn’t want to believe that I was really suffering from self-hatred, but when I catch myself doing it, I can’t really deny it. Damn. Lastly (or rather firstly) Dr. W suggested that I try leading a monastic life, that I carefully schedule my daily activities the night before making sure to give ample time for necessities (sleep, eat, sit, exercise, work). This suggestion has a bunch of other implications for my life, ie: making realistic priorities and letting the form (the schedule) do the thinking which allows me to relax. He mentioned something from the Bhagavad-Gita about the purpose of ritual being to let us witness form void of meaning. I have to find that passage and read it again…

And as I just quickly searched for “purpose of ritual” and “bhagavad gita” I realized that “ritual” is part of the word “spiritual”. Whoa.

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